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Thursday, January 20, 2005 

Big Momma

Another day another quarter.

When I was a kid we used to have a friend Jake who lived nearby whose family butchered their own livestock, made their own jams and jellies grew their own vegetables, they had a subsistence farm. This neighbor’s grandmother lived with them. For some reason they all called her Big Momma. Shortly after her arrival Big Momma took command of the family, and me as well. The first time I met her I forgot reply yes ma'am she thumped my head with a thimble, so I did not do that again. Big Momma was only in her mid 50’s and she acquired a suitor named Wiley. Wiley was Big Mommas only soft spot. Wiley ran the counter at the drug store; he would slip me pieces of fudge when I stopped by. He was quiet, mild mannered, and extremely shy.
I stopped by to see my friends one day and big momma offered me a cookie I almost chipped a tooth on it, and said so, she ran me out of the house with a broom. Something had to be done. The next time I stopped by she was making blackberry jelly. If you have never done this it is a mess, you have to strain out all of the seeds. I was quickly drafted to help. Big Momma had me running the colander straining the berries. I kept doing it for what seemed like hours, filling a 5-gallon bucket with clear berry juice. When I had finished Big Momma got Jakes Dad to carry the bucket to the kitchen so that she could begin boiling the juice for jelly. Jakes Dad tripped on something and spilled juice on everyone. It looked like a tide of berry juice had washed over the entire house. Jake and I, in an effort to compound the problem, slipped and fell in the juice. Big Momma erupted. She happened to be holding a butcher knife at the exact moment that Wiley stepped in the back door with a bouquet of wild flowers. Wiley had an odd look on his face wondering if he stepped into the middle of a mass murder. I Yelled RUN FOR IT WILEY SHES GOT A KNIFE.
Big Momma tried to go to him to explain but since she was still holding the knife covered in what Wiley thought was human blood, but was no more interesting that fruit juice. At this moment Wiley bolted. He took their screen door with him.
It was a long time before I showed myself at their house again. Big Momma got it all cleared up with Wiley and they had a good laugh about it, although not for a few months. Big Momma and Wiley eventually were married. I was not invited.
They are leading the good life however; Wiley still to this day will not eat a biscuit with jelly on it.

Snagley Out