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Wednesday, January 10, 2007 

why rural alabama

A friend of mine calls me and tells me that his Son is on his way over to my house to play the burning sack of crap prank on me.

For those of you not in the know this is where you take a paper bag, fill it with poop of any origin, put it on the doorstep of the hapless victim, light it, bang on the door and run. The victim sees the sack thinks "oh i will stomp on it" and gets poop all over their shoes. It was a favorite of mine in my misspent youth. Sven was telling his son about our misspent youth and Jr could not get past this one.

He was letting me know so I could scare the bejeebers out of his son and his friend.
I loaded my shotgun with 6 rounds of 12 gage paper wad blanks and go out to wait in the dark.

A little background. His son Sven Jr. is 16 years old and believes he is the coolest creature in the entire world. He has a driver’s license and his moms ride. He has a girl friend with big boobs, and fake blond hair whose nickname is Keekee. He has a best friend that everyone calls Conch, because he carries a conch shell in his car and blows it whenever he arrives anywhere. He spends about an hour in the morning making his hair look like he slept on the sofa. And he loves to try to play practical jokes on me. His Dad spends his time ratting him out and laughing at his adventures.

Me sitting in the dark

Sven: Ssshhhh you got the sack

Conch: Yeah here

Sven: This is gonna be great. Here you hold the sack while I take a dump.

Me Goorf snerts (stifled laughter)

Conch: I aint holding no sack while you shit in it.

Sven: Come on man just hold the sack

Conch: Hell no man put it on the ground.

Sven: Why didn’t we poop in it before we came, you idiot why didn’t you say something?

Conch: I thought that you would use cow or dog crap not human, why do I have to do everything.

Sven: don’t look I am going to take a dump in this sack we cant go back without doing anything Dad will call us wusses.

Conch: I don’t want to look, what am I a butt looker. You got any TP.

Sven: No go look in the car and get me some napkins

Conch: No man it’s a mile down the road. Just use some grass

Sven: oh my god. This is freaking ridiculous. I am gonna do it back up.


ME: (Booom Booom Booom Booom) 4 shots light up the night, I am shooting into the air. Chaos is reigning. Sven is running across my yard with his drawers around his ankles. They are both crying and screaming out into the night. Conch is cursing at the top of his lungs.
Its great.

I call Sven Sr. and tell him the story. He is laughing so hard he cannot breath. He heard the shots and assumed it was me. I can hear Jr. peeling out down the road in his Mommas car.

Me: Tell Sven Jr. that I said good night. He is headed that way now.
Sven Sr. Will do,, Thanks Snagley

I love rural Alabama