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Monday, December 05, 2005 

Well, Heck

It was a rainy day. The mud slid down what used to be our drive way as I stared out the front window. My mom came by to take a few shots at my ego. No sooner did I discover I had an ego that mom would try to tear it down.

Mom: why don’t you get up and do something, you are driving me nuts staring out the window.
Me: Its too wet and cold I ain’t going out there.
Mom: Kids today are a waste of good skin, why when I was your age I was out all day long rain or shine. You need some grit.
Me: There is not enough grit in the world to get me out of this house today.
Mom: I know that is the problem with you.
Me: Oh great look its Deputy Dog again.

We both looked out the window and spotted Moms brother Hector, Hector was the kind of lawman that come up in novels about the old south speed traps of the 40s and 50s, except Uncle Heck was lazy. He would use the bullhorn to make the unsuspecting motorist come back to his car. Once he took me on one of his patrols and made me go up and write the ticket while he ate fried chicken out of a bucket.

Uncle Heck pulled up in the driveway and yelled over the his bull horn. "Sister, send out Bo.

Me: I ain’t going out there, he has something stupid for me to do. Last time he had me paint the jail cells and he the prisoners threw cigarette butts at me all day. Then he tried to pay me with fried chicken, and it was you who was cooking the chicken.
Mom: Yes you are it is about time you got out or the house.

I knew Heck would not leave until I came out, and I know mom would brow beat me until I went with him, so I put on my boots and my coat and my rain hat and slugged out to his squad car. I opened the door, the front seat of his car was full of old chicken bones and fried chicken buckets and other assorted filth associated with the eating of fast food fried chicken.
Heck Bo it’s about time. Now go get a garbage bag and clean out this front seat and lets go arrest Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred was not my real uncle. He was more of a family friend that lived at the base of the mountain. He had inherited a bunch of money when his parents died when he was in college and he retired the same day. He was known for his wild ways.

I asked why we were arresting Uncle Fred. Heck said Uncle Fred has 47 outstanding parking tickets. I said, “Uncle Fred hasn’t had a truck that runs in 5 years”.
Heck said yeah they are really outstanding. Uncle Heck went on to say that he had not been to Uncle Fred’s in years and needed me to point the way.
He asked me if the road was passable. I said yes I had been on it just yesterday and made it will no problem. (Although the horses did get pretty muddy)

After I cleaned out his patrol car in the rain, the water began to seep through my long johns and flow down into my boots I began to get madder and madder. Uncle Heck had every intention of driving out to Uncle Fred’s house and having me go into my best grown up friends house and arrest him while he sat in his car with the heat on, dry, smoking his pipe.

I pointed him up the dirt trail to Uncle Fred’s house. His 1972 Pontiac patrol car with street tires was sliding along the road. We made it to the bridge at the creek, which was currently under water.

Heck said” dang boy we cant go across that river”.
I said “Heck don’t be a baby. That ain’t no river that is the crick and between those two trees is the bridge, now get to going good and hit the water and you will scoot right across onto the gravel in Fred’s yard”.

Heck said “ oh yeah I used to play in that crick when I was a kid”. He then got a sliding start and hit the bridge.

I had never been to the beach but I had a good feeling that must be what ocean waves must be like. Heck and I sat in the front seat of his patrol. Chicken bones were floating in the water that was now up to Heck’s belly button. He looked at me and said I thought you said you there was a bridge here and that you came up here yesterday.

I said that’s right Heck. Well heck you are on the bridge it is just under about 3 ½ feet of water, and I did come up here yesterday with Uncle Fred there are our horses over in that stall under the shed the water cleaned all the mud off of them really well didn’t it.

For the first time in my life I saw Uncle Heck run. Granted I was watching over my left shoulder as I ran from him.