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Monday, November 21, 2005 

Whos butt is this anyway

When I was in high school I became aware that my butt was not my own. I remember I was in the 7th grade. I had just finished setting off a cherry bomb in the administration office when I felt this large hand on my shoulder. It was our school’s football coach. He looked at me and said, “Your butt is mine”. He then took me to his office and said he could call my parents and have me brought up before the honor committee and have me suspended or expelled, or I could take some “licks with his paddle. As I sat there contemplating the beating I was soon to receive I wondered when my butt would be mine again.

The second day I was at college. I met a young woman that I found to be interesting as well as an excellent conversationalist, it also helped that she was wearing a profoundly short skirt that showed off her yellow underpants whenever she reached up for anything. We were in the library; I asked her for a particular book that I held my great interest it happened to be on a high shelf.
Her name was Lola. She was chewing a large wad of gum. She looked at me and said. "If you just want to see my panties ask. This climbing up and down this damn ladder is killing me". So we found a nice secluded spot on the top floor of the library she showed me her panties, which I found to my liking. She took out her chewing gum stuck it on the wall, we then proceeded to make out with reckless abandon. Then I heard a voice it was Dean Wilkerson the dean of men. He looked at me and said “Son your butt is mine. Lola said what was your name anyway. I said, “Just call me Snagley” Dean Wilkerson explained that I while I thought the floor to be abandoned there was a large group of alumni that had been watching from the window. The Dean had been leading the tour until Lola and I took over. For the next two weekends I picked up other peoples refuse from the ground surrounding the building that the deans office resided in, I would stop now and again to wave to Lola who was dusting the top shelves in the deans office. I realized at that point that my butt still was not my own.

After numerous dead end jobs where I still was not in possession of my butt. I got married and signed over possession of my butt for an even longer period. I have since decided that since most the pain in my life seems to involve my butt maybe I am better off without it anyway.