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Tuesday, November 01, 2005 

Animals gone wild

Animals gone wild

As some of you might know, the Snagley family has a multitude of animals. We have three cats, a dog, 4 roosters and 17 hens. One of our cats Lucy and Patsy the beagle went into heat this last week. First off cats seem to be somewhat discrete in their lovemaking, and it seems to last only seconds. Dogs on the other hand……..

First off we don’t want any more dogs or cats. I am not overly fond of Patsy. Patsy has the I.Q. of a pod of Okra. If the dog were any more stupid she would be unable to breath. The thought of another 5 to 10 stupid dogs of questionable origin makes me wake up in a cold sweat seeking alcohol. Our cats are all odd cats. Kitty is our oldest cat. He has never shown enough personality for us to justify naming him. He is our only animal that shows any semblance of intellect. Next is the community cat Phil. Phil is a huge battle scared yellow tomcat. Lucy just wondered up one day. She is the one in heat.
The Snagleys were between paychecks so we could not get them to the vet prior to the upcoming animal orgy so we figured we could ride it out. We would keep the stupid dog locked up and we knew it was too late for the cat anyway thanks to our resident tomcat.

My wife Jo walked by the chicken coop and noticed that the roosters were matting with the hens, over and over and over. So our chicken coop is now the best little whore house in Alabama. Then we noticed that there were about 5 dogs across the street in the neighbor’s yard fighting and howling. Then about every 10 minutes I would have to chase another horny dog out of the yard. I threw rocks, I yelled, chased with sticks to no avail. I took to keeping stupid dog with me as I worked in the yard so I could keep an eye on her. I know you are asking me why don’t I just let them go at it and get it out of their systems. For one thing I don’t want any more dogs. For the second thing it cost more to have a dog spayed that is pregnant. Anyway I digress. At night I would lock her in my workshop.

Well one night close to dark, I am trying to eat my supper. I hear a whining outside and out I go. I find stupid dog conjoined with a very large black Labrador retriever. They are stuck together butt to butt. It is 38 degrees outside. I try yelling but this only made the black lab drag patsy across the yard by their genitals. So I got the water hose and started hosing off the dogs I concentrated the water on the lab. First I drenched the dog head to toe. Then I concentrated the water on the conjoined portions of each dog this also did not work so I then pointed the stream of water into the black labs ear. This did not work either so I then aimed the hard stream of high-pressure water directly at the dog’s rectum. This caused the dog great distress; it tried to bite me and disengaged Patsy. I shot the dog in the open mouth with more water and he ran off. Then I put stupid dog in the workshop.

You would think that after a high pressure dog enema at 38 degrees a black lab would feel deterred, not so. I caught them at it once more at and this time took the water directly to where I knew it would have the greatest effect. I have to admit that this gave me some degree of satisfaction. Well I get another week off in November at that point only the chickens will be doing it and I want them to do it as much as they can. For the record I timed them. Chicken sex lasts 4 seconds on average. Inquiring minds want to know.