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Friday, December 09, 2005 

Two amigos and stinky

Jo’s birthday is coming up so the varmints and I decided to go and get her a birthday present. She gave us a not so subtle hint that she wanted warm, fuzzy bedroom slippers that will cover her heels, and if she received anything else we would all have to go and sleep in the hen house with the chickens. As the kids and I do not want to sleep with the chickens, and to preserve marital harmony between the spouses, we decided to go and get her some warm fuzzy bedroom slippers.

First we had to stop in the sporting good department. I check out the fishing junk and the kids go and smell the catfish bait. For some weird reason they love to smell the catfish bait. They sniff it and gag and discuss the stench with great descriptive analysis, then proceed to the next container of stink. If you have not sniffed the catfish bait, please do so at your earliest convenience, you cannot truly appreciate this story without first sniffing the catfish bait. But I digress.
My 4 year old prissy daughter is sniffing a particularly noxious sample called “month old cheese”. She accidentally without malice breaks open the container and spills month old cheese juice all over her hello kitty shirt. My daughter now smells worse than any month old cheese could ever smell. My boys start to make stink noises, peeeeewwww, Elstinko, gag, barf, it is quite amusing. The unfortunate part of this story is that she requires that I hold her hand in the store.

So I walk with the two amigos and stinky to the footwear section. They are making gagging and retching all the way. We arrive in the footwear section.

I tell the boys what their mom wants, fuzzy and warm, with something to cover the back of her foot. No slip-ons. #1 pulls out a pair of tennis shoes that light up and says I’ll bet mom would like these. #2 found some sponge bob shoes that would have worked but they lacked the necessary fuzzy element. Stinky found some camouflage slippers that were neither fuzzy or heel covering. Then we spotted them they look like a cross between a yak that had his hair done by Fran Dresher’s hair stylist and an lsd trip. They were her size so we got them. I let #2 hold them so that stinky would not contaminate the birthday fuzzy, warm, cover the heel house slippers.

My kids like to talk to every old person they come in contact with. They have grown up around old people and feel comfortable with them. So they start their usual hello, see what we got mom for her birthday, conversations. Old people in Alabama love this. The old folks all queue up behind them to get a turn at these adorable kids. Then #3 makes her entrance, smelling like a rat that died behind the water heater. She starts hugging them and I start seeing wrinkled lips start to curl. They start looking at me and sniffing my daughter and speaking in hushed tones. So I look at them and say, “her stomach and chili cheese fries sure don’t mix well do they”?

We then paid for the warm, fuzzy, cover the heel, teased yak hair, lsd flashback house slippers and drove home in 36 degree weather with our coats on and zipped up and the windows open.

It is a chill wind that blows no warmth…………