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Wednesday, June 29, 2005 

Regrets... yeah i have regrets

I remember high school graduation. I remember all the kids I graduated with having some plans. I had none. In all fairness I was emotionally about 15 years old. I had no direction at all. I had a girl friend that I had proposed to. The stupidity of 18 year olds knows no bounds.
I started at a trade school taking data processing. I did not study and mostly flirted with girls. I was still engaged. I shortly flunked out of trade school. I waited the year and went back to sign up again. The advisor told me I could not come back. That is as bad as it gets. He told me I could pursue another major. And suggested air conditioning repair. I said yes what else could I do. I made straight I made nothing but A’s. Mostly out of fear, if this did not work what would.
After the first success of my life I thought I might try a college. My fiancé was going to Livingston University. So I thought I would go there. I really did love this girl as much as a 20-year-old boy can. I was emotionally about 18 at this time, no where nearly old enough to know what marriage is about.

I was the life of the party at my local group of friends. I was invited to all parties. I was expected to do great things with my life. In retrospect I don’t know why. I did not have much going for me. I had no money; I only had a bubbly personality. I really did. Those of you that know me personally would not think that I could be an extrovert. But I was. What is odd is that in high school I was the introvert’s introvert. But that is another story.

Then my fiancé dumped me. I went into a great depression. I canceled my enrollment to Livingston University and enrolled at The University of Montevallo. I was enrolled in the summer session. I had to make good enough grades to prove that I should be there. I made a 4.0. I made it my mission to go out with as many girls as I could. I hesitated occasionally. Three come to mind.

A.M … A.M. was a beautiful girl I dated her for two years. I consider her the great failure of my life. She loved me dearly and I her. But there were fundamental differences that separated us. I broke her heart. I think of this often with much regret I could have handled it much better

AC….AC was one of the most fun people that I knew. We went out for 2 years as well. She broke my heart. She left me because I could not commit to her the way she needed. I was not ready to marry. I found this out years latter. I think of her often.

W.M …. This was one of my first girl friends in college. She was a sweet country girl who loved me too. I dated her briefly during my freshman year then saw her 5 years latter right before I left for good. She was beautiful and as I spoke to her and she offered to try again. I could not help but think that I could not put her through that again. I was not stable enough to give her what she wanted and new it.

Then I met my wife she was my wife from the first. I knew it as I know myself. I enjoyed college. I was not the best student. I had to work my butt off to pay for it. Often I skipped meals for days at a time to try to get by. Chuck often snuck me into the cafeteria so that I would not starve to death. When my finances would allow me to proceed no further I left college. The fact that I never finished is one of the single biggest regrets of my life. .

I dont know why i wrote this but here it is. no regrets there.