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Tuesday, October 17, 2006 

Breakfast with People of Northern Disposition

Well it seems that I have offended my northern constituency. I got an email from Bluebelly@gmail.com saying, “ You lost the war its time to surrender”
And one from northofmasondixon@yankey.com saying that us rednecks ought to shut up and go kiss our cousins.

But an odd thing happened this morning as I was driving to work.

I stopped at the waffle House restaurant for coffee, toast bacon and eggs. As I am sitting at my usual table I hear Yankees behind me arguing over the menu. I introduced myself, it seems Myrtle and Carlton (call me Carl) Smitherman from Saint Mary’s Pennsylvania are on their way to Florida to spend the winter. They drive the route to Saint Petersburg to their condo every year when the snow starts to fall. They had several questions for me, and I had some for them. Nice people by the way, but they spoke way to loud.

Since this was a restaurant specializing in breakfast foods grits came into the conversation rather quickly. Carl said that he first tried grits on his first outing south. He was driving to Disney land with the kids; he said the grits ruined the trip for him. He said he sliced off a portion of grits to sample it made him sick to his stomach; he stayed that way till he got home.
It seems that Carl had let his grits get cold and high starch foods will form a lump that can be sliced. I explained that they are best eaten hot with lots of butter or mixed with your over easy eggs. This sounded to his liking so I bought him an order of grits. He mixed them with his eggs and said that it was not entirely bad. This is about the best you can expect for grits and people of northern disposition.

He then asked me a question that I did not expect. He asked me why people of southern birth and upbringing say yes sir and no sir to every question asked. I explained that if we did not say yes sir and no sir, our antecessors would come out of the grave and get us. I told him I was kidding but that it was a sign of respect not of age. That I teach my kids to say it to all adults as a sign of respect. He seemed somewhat satisfied, and went back to eating his grits and eggs quietly after that.

Then Myrtle stepped up and asked why southern girls wear these short pants that let their butt cheeks hang out the sides. I told her that most southern girls that wear these shorts, have Mammas that are not of southern birth or their Grandmothers are not still alive to have a stroke, and guilt them into wearing longer shorts. That, and they aren’t old enough to realize that looking like a crack whore is not an appropriate fashion statement. I did explain that most southern boys do like to see female butt cheeks, and most girls like the attention.
My grandmother looked at some shorts my sister was wearing once and said, “That is not a lot of cloth” then she would not speak to her again until she changed her clothes.

Then I hit them with the question I wanted to ask since I heard their nasal tones when I walked in that morning. Why do you drive 65 miles per hour in the middle lane when all the traffic around you is moving at 80 or more? Carl looked up and said in Pennsylvania the speed limit is 65 and if they have a strict point system. He said he thought that Alabama drivers drive faster than anywhere else in the world. I told him I did not know that, I said that in Alabama if you drive less that the posted speed limit you should drive in the right lane. Carl said he would try to bear that in mind.

I paid for their breakfast and told them to look up the Snagley’s on their way back up north in the spring and I would prepare them a more proper breakfast. They laughed and said they would.

I left feeling I had experienced a victory. Maybe he will move over to the right lane on his way south.
Yeah, and maybe he wont wear black socks and sandals on the beach in Saint Petersburg

Snagley out.