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Tuesday, May 31, 2005 

10 ways the south can kill you.

10 Ways the south can kill you.

1. The heat. It is already in the mid 80s and it is not even June yet it will get up to 100 around June 15 and stay there till September.
2. The Humidity. 90% humidity is considered a dry day.
3. Mosquitoes… they crossbreed them with chickens to create killer mosquitoes. You can see clouds of them some days.
4. Transplanted Yankees. They come down here and drive slow in the fast lanes. I swear I got behind someone in the fast lane (left lane for those of you north of Huntsville) they were going 55 miles per hour traffic was backed up for 20 miles. The posted limit is 70 AAAGGGHHHH
5. Politics... Alabama politics can frustrate the life out of you. No one from the county dogcatcher to the governor his self has the intelligence to do his or her job in Alabama. If by some chance they do have a modicum of creativity they are quickly arrested for stealing from the taxpayers.
6. Good Food… The food here is laden with fat. Southern women love to add hog fat to all vegetables. Damn it taste good but it also will spackle your arteries shut.
7. Women… The women here are profoundly good looking. They cause teenaged boys to do increasingly stupid things to impress them. I once jumped off of a 40-foot bridge into a river to impress one, it did not work, she left unimpressed by my stupidity. I don’t know how that applies but thought it worth mentioning.
8. Kudzu… in the 40s and 50s some dim bulb brought this stuff into the states to use to feed cattle. I have a cousin who planted 50 acres of this stuff; it took him 10 years of constant effort to kill it. He died of prolonged exposure to herbicides.
9. Urban Sprawl… Anytime that a meadow or stand of trees begins to look picturesque. They solve this problem by putting a sub division on top of it. IT works too, several of the most beautiful meadows and forests have been successfully eradicated by only one application of sub division.
10. Fire ants. I hate fire ants.

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